Clown is hard.
August 20, 2017
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It's the most wonderful time of the year!!
FRINGE TIME!
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So far I have only done one show out of six. And it is terrifying!Â
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I have been acting all of my adult life, and this isn't my first fringe by any means, or even my first solo show; but this show, is the most personal and raw thing I have ever done.Â
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Now, don't get me wrong! I am glad I am doing it, and I have a sense of pride for the show. My hope is that I can help some people to better understand depression, or, if they need it, to seek help and talk about it. Â But it is definitely the hardest show I have ever been a part of.Â
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When learning to clown, we are taught to live in the present and sit in our innocence. While in this child-like state, we also have all of our experience to help us. It can be a tricky balance, being 100% present and living in innocence when we have to follow a script we've gone over hundreds of times.Â
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Clown is hard.Â
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The parallel of clowning to my depression seems very fitting.Â
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My first few years of clowning, I wouldn't "go there". I wouldn't let myself be 100% authentic with my experience. I was hiding. Why would I be completely true to myself and my feelings, if I didn't like them? I didn't like me? It wasn't until the amazing Mike Kennard yelled at me during a workshop. (Don't worry, I'm glad he did!)
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We were doing an exercise called "making contact". Basically the goal is to be on stage, breathing, and looking into the audience - making contact with each and every one of them. Connecting with them. Sharing everything you have and everything you are with them so that they, the audience, are a part of you while on stage. (Isn't theatre fun!?)
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I went to the front of the room for my turn to make contact during a workshop. I looked at everyone. I breathed. I did it!
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Except when Mike asked "who felt connected to Morgan?"Â
... nobody did.Â
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So he made me do it again, and again. He starting wacking me with a foam sword and yelling at me to let go! What are you hiding!? Show us the real you! Do it!
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Until I burst into tears.Â
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I said "I don't want to! share who I am! I hate myself! Why the f*** would I share that!?"
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At that moment, Mike said make contact now.
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I did. I was sure it hadn't worked again.Mike asked who felt connected to me, and the entire class raised their hands. Â
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THIS is my show Silenced.Â
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I have to be in this vulnerable state and share my deepest and darkest moments to an audience. Strangers, and friends. Colleagues and coworkers. Students and teachers. I have to bare all to them.Â
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But don't forget that innocence! Play! Laugh! Discover! Have fun with the show even though it is hard!Â
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So.
Come see Silenced at the Edmonton Fringe Festival to see me living in innocence, experience, and (hopefully) making contact with you in the audience.Â
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Venue #10, Acacia Hall, 10433 83 aveÂ
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Sun 20 @ 4:14pm
Wed 23 @ 12 pm
Thurs 24 @ 8:15 pm
Fri 25 @ 2:15 pm
Sat 26 @ 10:15 pm
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